thewaterkills

cos occasionally I get all poetic..and it has nothing to do with this fine shiraz...

2009-08-15T21:00:00.000+10:00

What are you that catches my gaze
Pausing my tracks
Where has this melody begun.
Lay in gentle fields-
wind whispers a name.
This hand still aches-
we have seen new worlds
dreamed new dreams
The darkness forever shattered all over her face.

What is this mystery
Uncontainable
A careful dance-
each note memorized
each change echoed softly softly
I sense night upon me but cannot feel it.
Mine is to sit here gently numbed-
endlessly falling
Lost in a wonderful mystery

What now.
What fools errand demands attention
Have I sinned against a name that this should befall me.
This distance
A word uttered against the wind.
Folly on any lips
Most certain.

What will come
Unknown gaze.
a finger traces across the line
silent smile of the mountains-
waving.
The cool wet grass.
a fallen joke.
five to midnight
left but a trace
to last.

What is not
broken void recedes
A narrow pass near the corner
Room is smaller than when I came in.
traffic slows-
at a certain pace
Those eyes.
Your eyes.
They turn me.

anything to numb the pain

2008-04-10T22:00:00.000+10:00

i am so so sorry for anything that i've said or done that has hurt you...

- - -

anything to numb the pain, to cloud my judgement to restore a temporary blindness; amnesiac in bliss, frustration fades away left with self-indulgant feelings of my over-bloated sense of nihilistic bliss... and the mask i wear covers up the scars and makes me acceptable in your eyes. your eyes. your eyes like fire, burn through all i see and feel. feel... i don't feel, i have numbed the pain, partaken of the chalice, bottoms up and sweet surrender.

for now she is a memory, with details that erased must be.

i see her face and remember her eyes, but nothing else remains except the wounds that will not heal... "You are so un-judgemental", the scars tell another story, a story of sucking in my pride and admitting that we are not that different you and I, but through some hand of fate I have been saved what seems a more difficult state. A cloud of swirling judgement hinders your thoughts, i am not from the cloud, I am different, I see beyond, see that which you thought was dead. I pierce through the wall and awaken the child that still sits alone and cries. I wrap my arms around and shelter what you loan me, waiting for another morsel, another brick to crumble down.

My hand is reaching out, but I am not on solid ground... My footing though temporarily sure is but a moment from a different truth.

...I judge as, my eyes see... I judge and I am just...

unwelcome ones, your time has come...

servants of the fallen, fight to pave the way, for our saviours calling, on this wicked day...

-where is my love.
Is she here? Is she gone?

Fallen in with other sorts....

..in my mind, she runs and only looks back to she how far she's come from what she should be running to, and yet my mind it lies, deceives, believes a truth that never will be seen, why do i fight to save my all...

because i know that she believes and I know that she is coming back; the oxygen is running out and you can't hold your breath so long my dear...

and we will be like we wanted to be, dreaming about the place we seemed to find just then...

and truth will not delay us and the ships will fight to save us
for we will go marching on in such a race,

and be the respectible sort and complain about the little scrapes, i see it all and I understand that this is not the way that we should go, the way we know...

falling in line, following a distant star,
never too late to turn around
or return our feet to solid ground
and yet my heart, oh my heart...

weeping softly
you can almost see me
through the mist
fallacy of joy
i muster up the strength
and pay the price

sleep now the weary.... for I am about to be carried the rest of the way, my arm will not heal and my eye has fixed itself shut, still i sit and dream about what i and we should be

close the door
cut the lights
raise the mast
and we are gone.

columbus would be...

2008-03-27T23:01:00.000+11:00

a line drawn in sand
is so quickly erased
by the earthquake passing
through this charade

and my body lies open
waits for the sun
carried asunder
with what i've become

So she's like a disease that cleans through my bones
wiped away all the stains i wish i'd disowned
but my conscience rests on this otherwise rift
torn through my defences, none left within

and i won't leave her anymore
and i'll stop the letters that pour out of mine
and i'll give up this foolish serenade
and i won't leave her anymore
no i promise i wont leave you

and a teardrop has fallen
through my disgrace
shattering starlight
all over her face

She makes me lie down
and she makes me so still
to feed off the waters
and puzzle my sin

So she's like a disease that cleans through my bones
wiped away all the stains i wish i'd disowned
but my conscience rests on this otherwise rift
torn through my defences, none left within

and i won't leave her anymore
and i'll stop the rose petals falling within
and i'll part ways with a silly face
and i won't leave her anymore
no i promise i wont leave you

and i won't leave her anymore
and i'll stop the tears i've been uttering since
and i'll give up my fallen grace
and i won't leave her anymore
no i promise i wont leave you

(C) Copyright 2008 Jeremy Martens

( i guess i should start doing this )

value

2008-03-24T20:41:00.002+11:00

my dad sent me an article on an Australian ISP attempting to crack down on piracy.

i hit reply and 20 minutes later had constructed some sort of rant.

so i've posted it not in an attempt to be judgmental, but perhaps just to make people think about where they stand and why.

anyways enjoy
-----

tis interesting... but its amazing how many 'solutions' to piracy involve (in their essence) people being labeled as 'guilty' until proven 'innocent'.

How exactly do they begin to label people as copyright infringer's. And to what extent is one allowed to infringe before 'authorities' step in. If this is too short than many innocent people will be put in the line of fire. If too short then it will be ineffective on the whole.

As the author of the article almost hints at; the industry needs to spend less time trying to play Dad or God. People are going to commit illegal acts, and cracking down tends to produce more victims than success stories. [and leads us back to 'big brother' tyranny- evil pirates are out there... everywhere...]

In a way its like the 'binge drinking' problem. Its culture. I have been to a pastor's place and found various DVD's that were bought in Thailand/SE Asia. These are by no means legitimate DVD's. But according to that particular pastor's world view/culture/ideology, there is nothing wrong with this.

As it is we have a culture steeped in the desperate search for 'what we want' at a cheaper price.

'Why should I have to pay if i can have it for free' bleeds from the wounds of post-modern society.

A recent argument I heard was to do with downloading television episodes because the person felt that they should not have to miss out on a particular show just because of a local ratings war (or free-to-air vs. cable). So the issue here is not whether you should download television episodes or not but the same 'industry' is saturating us and taunting us with news of things that are being released elsewhere, but continues to play God in deciding when to let us see it (or hear it...) and cries fowl when we attempt to subvert their grip on the information.

Should we pay for what we consume? I guess. But when you consider that more money gets paid to film producers from advertising sources and television stations (broadcast rights) it changes the dynamics of the situation. [or perhaps the importance/value of my 'share']

Kathryn and I chat occasionally about where the world is going on this topic. Media thinks that labels/production houses may be on the way out, perhaps they will simply be replaced with distribution houses. perhaps the internet is simply another distribution house. Perhaps the key is finding out how to get the people with the money to spend it on our product rather than just downloading it. In a digital age, value is placed back on the tangibles. a first edition, a large size vinyl, a special edition dvd, a comprehensive booklet, expensive or at least interesting packaging...

I think if we can restore value of a product in people's eyes we will have gone a long way to fighting piracy.

and perhaps we can just write off the rest of piracy as tyre kickers. testing the product but not convinced enough to buy it.

J

- - - -

keen to dialogue about this if anyone's interested...

scribble

2008-03-15T00:11:00.001+11:00

to be honest I wonder if i still struggle with paranoia.

and perhaps this is all a way of working out those scenarios in a safe space.

sometimes i wonder if the paranoia is more something else...

more truth..

perhaps i am being cruely let in on peoples secrets...

i hope for yoursake i'm not, otherwise this will all seem quite horrible for someone...

or perhaps its good. perhaps seeing the truth is motivational or heart breaking or connects someone with God. Who can tell...

But i definitely do not have the ignorance to deny... only the torment or perhaps the illumination of discourse and pondering...

i like to think of myself as stuck halfway between arrogance and cynicistic despair

2008-03-14T22:35:00.002+11:00

...theres got to be at least one more left in me...

-----

seduced
broken, left buried
a shell
laid waste by disease
bitter and empty
last light flicks off
shadows are waiting
dawn feels too soft
spider like hands
embrace what is lost
a figure of teeth
the hunger of lost
shame reigns again
but for a spell
cotton eyed weary
the sun's sweet surrender
shallow lies in wait
a distant shore
his hands
my face
enclose
safe

you're all i need..... you're all i need....i'm in the middle of your picture

2008-03-14T09:14:00.003+11:00

...i feel you now
but im sure uve made the bed
and you're all i need
stretching truth away
do you find me on my knees
are you begging for my trust again

stars keep moving through the sky
not sure if i'm alive

and we've lied, and we've cried
but the superstructure holds itself up
there is no amount of blood flow
that can keep me away
banging at the door
but your heart is closed again
so much noise to wake you
is mercy too late

must i keep returning
to the space i love alone
to black marks in my mind
to the scratch you left behind

stars keep moving through the sky
still not sure if i'm alive...

Where is my love...

2008-03-09T06:19:00.000+11:00

If i seek you, do i find you
under the rocks, under the sun
where you spoke so freely
lies oceans of static
where can i hide from you
yet you seem distant
both here and up close
yet nothing follows
taunted and scorned by others experience
i sit alone and question why
do i have so far to go?
i feel theres no place to start
how to begin
i speak, you listen
patiently and confidently
what is it like to be close to you
to hear each others breath
...
take my life
fill me from the inside

...the wind is your name

2008-02-26T19:44:00.000+11:00

cool whisper of the breeze
her lips; my glance
broken leaves underfoot
soft rhythm of rushing wind
her slightest glance upon me
broken light through the leaves
jumping lillies and quiet earth
sand underfoot & hardened cement
thin wire a slight deflection
a moon so much closer
young trees, supported in place
cool earth + echoes
percussive rattle
slithering grass
orb of light
noise of peace..

- - -

my love, where are you...

- - -

some people are friends, real friends
some people are fans...

some things better left...

because its about time...

2008-02-20T05:04:00.000+11:00

[Current mood: awake]

safe in your arms...

safe in your arms...

all else disappears

safe in your arms

tortured mind suddenly clears

and I can see for miles from this place
the wind is cool, you're warm against my face
our dreams connect propelled into the breeze
i could even stand to open up my eyes

my arms surround, but i have to let you go.
pulling away from my internal gaze
dreams are frightening until we sleep
yet I am drowning in your grace.

- - -

Who are you God...

sometimes i pick between voices, sometimes i convince myself they aren't my own.
so you will never rid me of this thorn.

"...God makes things out of things that look nothing like the things he wants to make...what does that mean, I have no idea"

maybe the problem is that I keep wanting to find out how to win.
is there a short-cut. or am i simply strapped in- holding on.

i'm up at 5am, and for some reason really enjoying it.

- - -

Dawn echoes whispering
lost inside the light
blood seeps through my lungs
and i am alive

out of the darkness
silently embrace the night
look out from the tower
fear inside my eyes

i hide myself from all that threatens to expose
the box of all my dreams is falling safely closed
yet someone whispers to me from inside my mind
the darkness and the shadows falling from behind

the fire starts again
and burns right through my chest
a pain unbearable
with darkness closing in

heat awakens me
have I begun to scream
burnt darkness falling off
not safe inside my dream

the well is opening and leaving me exposed
eyes open peering past all broken skin
she only sees something so beautiful
reach beyond the current, fight the storm within...

- - -

and then sometimes all you needed was the arms and the reassurance that everything is going to be alright...

then you discover that the person who you thought was infinitely optimistic, struggles with demons just as big as your own.

...clean my blood...

i can't go on like this. i can't resort to stay the same. i can't fight this any longer. I can't live behind the shame. i can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you. Who are you. Who am I.

"I once thought it better, to regret... things that I have done, than haven't... Sometimes you've got to be wrong...learn the hard way...and sometimes you've got to be strong...
when you think it's too late" - Repentance (Dream Theater)

i probably should, but i dont want to...

2008-01-03T23:20:00.000+11:00

[Current mood: traumatised]

should I say how i screwed up, or how its salvageable.

should I talk about my weaknesses, or my victories.

should I point out failures, or create solutions.

should i stay down, or get up again

should i ignore you, or rely on you completely.

should i tell her i love her, or be her friend

should i stick around, or fly away far far away

should i go to bed, or get something more done.

should I kiss her, again

should I hold her, knowing its meaningless...

should i shower her with gifts

should I recomit myself

should I walk out and separate

should i leave the kids

should I crash the car just cause i want to

should I beat myself up again and again

should I fall

should I fall

should I fall

will you help me, who will help me.
standing, but for a moment
last drops of light, still shining through

and when we promised forever, did we mean it, did we know, did we care, did we love?

hand in hand, through the crowd, smiling laughing, flashes of light.

you make this all go away
i just want something I can never have...

(I AM LEGEND - go see it...)

times like these make you want to jump between moving vehicles...

2007-12-05T18:40:00.000+11:00

[current mood: tired]

was driving down the M2. truck pulled past me, or was it the other way round..

very very tired... but very very happy, work is piling up around me...

but my best creative blogs have been about one theme, so i shall continue in such a grand tradition...

- - -

I am washing my body in soap, the smell reminds me...

her hair pushed hard up against my shoulder, the aroma of something with which i had not been familiar pushes past my defenses, paralyzing my attempts to rebuke it.
My hand reaches up, a slight scratching of her scalp, the deep desire to rub my nose in her hair.

-

he feels safe and warm. his big arms wrapped around me like vines, reaching around and strangling my common sense. He is not right, but he feels so right. He scratches my head like a kitten, i purr softly and attempt to snuggle deeper. It could end tonight, or it could go on forever.
I pull away from him, coy yet desperate. I lie down and gaze at the stars, his eyes find mine as he replaces the heavens. He lies next to me, and once again i nestle into him. Suddenly he's gone. My arm is propping me up and I cannot explain the coldness that has destroyed his memory. I thought I was hiding in him. a sudden memory of words, a phrase 'where are you'

where am I? 'Im here, i'm with you, its okay everything is ok cause i'm with you...'
but now you've gone, my tears do not find refuge in your heart, dropping away.
Calling out to you, i still find nothing. running through a street screaming, where do you go? nobody knows.. they turn away confessing my guilt for me. shunned and expatriated, where have you gone, my love...

...faith accounted for righteousness...

2007-10-23T19:49:00.000+10:00

there was a break today... the damn burst...

a step was taken. vulnerability was allowed. space was safe. heart was poured out as an offering.
Support was sent up. prayer and prophecy and support and love...

the lowly soul on the precipice has waited long enough and cried hard enough and yelled loud enough and been desperate enough and finally the cloud parted and sun shone down...

I feel like a great burden has dissipated.

----

here is no why

2007-10-07T14:40:00.000+10:00

one more step one more step ONe more step one more STEP one more Steo one mOre Step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one most step one most step one most step one most step one must step one must step one must stop one must stop one must stop one more step one must stop one more step one must stop one more step one must stop one more step one must stop one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one must stop one must stop one more step one more step one must stop one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more step one more...

[current mood: hopeful]

AWAKEN AWAKEN AWAKEN

2007-10-05T00:37:00.000+10:00

stupid fin-troll.

hehe

-

sits on a beach... beach yells.

-

gently pats the beach soothing the pain

-

...Mary

-

If i could look you in the eye
with just one word, i'd make you cry
watch those tears stream down your face
bring you into my embrace

tear my heart out
make me something
pull my chin up
show me someone

like you

fire wrenches apart my life
I try to find the words you mean to me
desire fights to draw me near
and keep this close and keep me clear

tear my heart out
make me someone
pull my head up
show me something

like you

satiate my soul

light the candle
like im incense
watch me burn
and satisfy

your hearts desire
and I am free
fighting for
you cannot breathe.

Hold your head up, lift your eyes up
there is nothing you can't find a way to illustrate
Hold the sky up, (i'll) hold your light up
something's on its way to help us stay

like you

-

a little light comedy..

a man walks into a bar, so the bartender turned the light on...

-

allergy: prawn ultimatum
over it: prawn again
study: prawnography
cooking: as the prawn breaks
eating: prawn apart
birth: prawn together
pyromaniac: blow your own prawn
retail; prawn shop

yeah i got nothing

-

Cetera Desunt Filma

2007-09-27T22:05:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/Ceteradesuntfilma

go there... because you oughta...

you're an oughta..

an Aorta....hehehe

*coughs*

nothing, nothing at all...

2007-09-23T11:33:00.000+10:00

and when you look into my eyes... you see... NOTHING...

---

sometimes i start writing and i discover that what i've written is to close to "what actually happened"

i hereby declare not to ever write 'what happened'
I hereby declare that I will write the truth. but never what happened.

---

Wake up. she's next to me.

---

Wake up. she's still here. Who is she. what is this gentle creature whose scent devours me.
Whose very breath fills my soul. Others accuse me of having sort her out, of fighting, of battling.
I disagree; for this divine fortune has in fact found me and gifted me with herself.

Who am I to deserve such favor, such blessing. For I have nothing to give, and nothing within me worthy of such a calling.

Stop. Get up. Leave the bedroom. Downstairs. Coffee is waiting. Clouds swirling. Thoughts of...

a dream. A mighty ship courses through the waves. I am not its captain, but i am close. Second in command; i stand holding the wheel. He is asleep. A man stands beside me watching, learning. perhaps I should be in command, i sense the power drawing me. I can run this ship, i can take command, he is fast asleep and I am running things now. It wouldn't take much...take this officer behind me..pillow over his face..hold it down... We haven't eaten in days, it will look like he just died... clutching at the wheel...palms are sweaty, just let go, just make the decision.... just...
rain beating across my face. teeth clenched... i wake up. she's next to me...

ode to a bucket of soup

2007-09-17T20:37:00.000+10:00

exploratory contemporary...

- - -

when I close my eyes I see a man standing on a dune, the sun is setting..clouds flooded with orange and red. he stands alone. motionless. watching the last few minutes of light. he considers the sound of thunder in the distance and staggers himself gently toward it. The sun is gone.

as darkness engulfs him the sounds of his mind begin to be steadily replaced by insects; the occasional bird. a soft wind begins to blow.

the moon rises far above this walking corpse. on his left hand a watch, slightly charred as if by fire, its hands insistent on ticking... sand pours out of a hole in his jacket. every few steps or so the man slips down and grabs a handful of sand, dusting it into his pocket.

out of his inside pocket he pulls a photo. It is of a family. a father, a wife, a son and a sister.
the man looks at this photo for a few moments then scrapes his gloved hand across it before filing it back away safely.

these farcical rituals continue as he walks seemingly towards a bunch of stars nestled in the horizon.

timelessness...

2007-08-31T07:56:00.000+10:00

every feeling that i felt has slipped from my grasp
especially when i threaten to pass it on non-verbally.

i want to get really angry... but why do that when i could just stop caring... seems easier

i want to get really hurt... as if that will show anybody anything... seems pointless

i want to know which direction i should be facing.
whom i should share the path with.

i feel undecided..

i feel like i need more information while one direction is looking more and more cosy.

cosy maybe, but also lit up with darkness.

yet it also seems to be the narrow road.

your confidence is so appealing yet it seems to be your greatest weakness for it hides away the tender you who fights to fall asleep and pulls the covers closer and leaves on a little light.

between telling her what she needs to hear to remembering that they all do.

questions that i cannot ask nor answer.

-

perhaps i aggravate to pull out the passion. the fire that burns so deeply within you..
watch your eyes light up in anger as you prepare a mighty onslaught for i have touched upon a little part that rages inside your mind and tosses you back and fro and forces you to hide in him to find a truth you can relate to.

never mind.

and all that shall be...

2007-08-27T08:37:00.000+10:00

have i really fallen or is this another excuse for laziness...

- - -

the image staring back comforts/confronts and leaves behind a spiry whisp of what could be.

to hide beneath the sweetest dream or to face the darkness that has been.

- - -

my eyes light up, a world on fire.

she beckons on and pulls me close.

i wave to all those I have left

and filter through the ones that came

did you come along or did we simply meet for a while.
is anybody with me?
is there a closeness so obscene I have missed it's beckoning glare.
there is no why and here is no down.

i am prompted to raise my sword and lift my voice and break through all that stands so tall
but there is a treason at sea. there is a spineless tingling that evokes a memory so repulsive
I can't find the words; must be denial for it were not my thoughts or feelings t'was simply an image forced into my lowly soul for per chance I played too close to the flame and suffered the transgressions that became the only reason for my shame.

but shame is not what tis to be, for shame itself has missed the point and bargained with chips it cannot divulge. and I am left wanting more; but what of? and fighting myself; for evermore.

is it me?

- - -

the solid face staring back and lifting me up from the mire.

- - -

have i even actually turned back yet, or am I still cast down to the side waiting for the passion to light up again, waiting for the worms to come.

maybe next time i will fan the flames and build the boat or is this the continuation of even more suffering of ups and downs and rounds and rounds...

- - -

she is fair and has taught me much for i suspect there may be nothing more; my consistency to hold up not myself or her or even us. But I am to walk alongside for a while until her hand restores my sight and even then to find my falling away a temporal cure to this ailing disease.

i am not sure what I miss anymore, I am not sure what is what anymore.

3 times she and me have walked along the path and discussed the many passing fancies, and frolicked in the flowers, but all shall end eventually and I shall find my castle ever-ready ever-waiting and littered with persons at this time unknown but then to become my sanity.

don't cry-this sadness comes but once in a while and we lift ourselves up and we are carried into the next realm.

piece of mind.

...GET ME OUT...

2007-08-04T10:49:00.001+10:00

in desperation he turns and hacks away at the forest.

something burns within him, like a fear, but perhaps more like a purpose.

he remembers the light, how it felt, how it was.
it drags him on, reminding him, torturing him with the prize.
But now is not the end.

- - -

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be...

- - -

caught in the crossfire, of my hurts and her lies.
in the haze I am consumed by things i cannot see
behind me stands something i cannot remember
and the truth that wants to break out of me.

- - -

thick green branches
deep red welts
dark black patches
tender white lights

- - -

i must express this all and i must tell the truth and I must get it all out and be a good boy and not do things that i should not, but i stand there and look at you and all my senses are consumed and my brain melts and all within me wants to hold on to you forever.

how fair is the decision anyway when you're blinded by an emotion.

do we become more sensible and more plain, do we take less risks.

do we die a little on the inside each day.

if you were me and i was you, would you do it any different.
Would you still hold back, afraid of what will happen, afraid to leap.

is it a fear to leap/// what are these boundaries anyway.

what is healthy what is not. Maybe i just want intimacy... human condition...
what the fuck does this all mean anyway and why can't i just get on with anything.

it all struggles and gets back to things i can't explain or talk about...

what would i've become
what would i have done
where would i be...

where am i

who are you

what is going on.

What do normal people do on a saturday

2007-08-04T10:37:00.000+10:00

Do you rest?
Do you play?
Do you sit and watch the world go away?

I know people who work, go to the beach.
sit and home and read.

some sit and wait dreading the work that is to come.

Theres something comforting about being able to get out of bed and go straight to work.

huge paradigm shift to get out of bed aimlessly, heading roughly in the direction of being require at work in 6 hours.

the whole day then feels like a bizarre countdown to the inevitable.

- - -

we seek your face and trust your name, that all will see...

- - -

theres a bit of rain outside. Its comforting i guess.
but then you sit down, alone, gazing out the window and wondering if theres something better. because when no one is around its easier to focus on work, but if you lose that focus, there is no one to catch you....

...or though i guess there is.

- - -

sick of blaming others for his mistakes...

- - -

sick of not knowing how or where or why...

- - -

sick of living half-alive, half-dead, half-assed

- - -

sick of aimlessly pursuing something out of sheer bloodimindedness.

- - -

sick of looking at A and looking at B.

- - -

sick of not knowing where to go and turn

- - -

sick of endless discussions on nothing of any value

- - -

sick of fighting and bitching and complaining

- - -

sick of my desires

- - -

sick of being poor

- - -

sick of being alone

- - -

sick of depressing music when i'm sad

- - -

sick of happy music when i'm feeling great

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of things i do to myself

- - -

sick of things i do to others

- - -

sick of christian platitudes when i just need some affection

- - -

sick of hugs when i need a rod or staff

- - -

sick of trying to be something else

- - -

sick of trying to figure out who I am

- - -

sick of being second guessed

- - -

sick of never having the upper hand

- - -

sick of things i should have said

- - -

sick of not knowing why

- - -

why do i ignore you when you're all i live for.
why do i forget you when you are the strength that holds me up
why do i not speak to you when you're the reason for it all.

- - -

we seek your face and trust your name that all will see our God reigns...

a whole lot of nothing, and a fistful of anything

2007-07-16T12:36:00.000+10:00

swings and roundabouts.

i discovered something new, something fresh. My opinion has been changed, the world has revolved around me.

I think I know less and less about what is going on, and though i suspect schemers, it turns out that this is all you can expect from the 'other' gender.

- - -

Two men walked along the road to Certainty. They alternately talked and said nothing. The weather was pleasant. They came upon a sign post containing two signs pointing opposite directions: one in the directing in which they headed; one the opposite direction.

The sign pointing in the direction they headed was marked 'Truth'
The sign pointing in the opposite direction was also marked 'Truth'

They sat for a while contemplating this enigma.

"But if truth lies in both directions, why should we be engaged in walking towards 'Certainty'"
"Because if 'Certainty' lies in the direction we travel, surely we must be leaving 'uncertainty'"
"But both directions lead to truth. Why should we be focused on what we are certain of?"
"Wouldn't you rather be sure?"
"Doesn't being sure spoil the excitement of the unknown?"

- - -

Pawn to K5

- - -

Wouldn't you rather a nice game of chess?

- - -

The gentle whistling of the kettle pulled him out of a dream like state.
What had she meant. Was this really the start of something? or just another mind game.
Mind games were a paradox, in some ways exciting. But frustrating when you remembered that you would never have any idea what was going on until someone sat you down and explained it all too you.

- - -

I think I just always assume that 'that is the way things are'. I hardly ever stop and think, maybe it shouldn't be this way. Perhaps this is all horribly wrong.

Yes. Yes it is. I have fallen and I can't get up, but at least the pain is manageable.

- - -

The pit is deep, but as I gaze skyward I know I can see the light. a slight pinprick which ever invades my sense of the depths to which I have plummetted. or perhaps not, perhaps I was always here, and all that changes is my pre-occupation with the light. sometimes I sit and watch it, bathing in it, feeling it grow, feeling myself grow and change, other times I have turned away. gently sobbing or comforting the screaming voices in my head. Some yelling one thing, some yelling another. All this screaming. But as soon as i turn back to the light, it dissipates. why is this? what magical properties does the light have.? why do i insist on turning away when sometimes I have just reached a point of true serenity.

- - -

Open hand, grasp at dagger. Yank. extract dagger. blood spurts out covering my hand and the latter portion of my chest. I feel a slight sinking feeling. Crumble to the floor. I look at my hand, covered in blood. My blood. I've never seen my blood before: at least not like this. There is a returning sense of my nakedness, exposed for the world to see. For they have demanded it. The price of rising to the top is always exposure "you spurt out red and turn so yellow, and then you make me kill my own" the truth comes out like so many litres of blood.
It is soothing though. Like all of the unspoken words and ignored tensions. It frees you like nothing else. Free to think, to feel, to breathe, to bleed. For it turns out that whilst I am naked, I am unashamed. Nothing can touch me now. Nothing more can be taken away. An irreducible minimum. All I am left with is me.
Get up damn you, get up. I rise gently placing my weight a little on my sword before shifting it gracefully onto my aching legs. A new day appears to be dawning. A step: gingerly at first. A few more. I walk forward with my sword. Look down at the wound; at the blood. It is still flowing, but it has mixed with water. As I continue walking there is less blood pouring out and more water. finally there is a steady trickle of clear water. Look up, stride, stride. Look left others are rising. Not all of them, but enough... enough. Forward, press on to the goal. There He stands. Like a mighty warrior surveying the damage he has wraught forth.
But a strange thing happens. As I walk forwards and point my sword, he seems to get smaller. Perhaps it is only perception. I stop just in front of him. I glare at him. His nostrils spurt forth whisps of clouds. Others fall in behind me. We raise our swords in unison, and plunge them down deep into the earth.
A silence follows.

suddenly a noise. a screeching noise. Look up. He is screaming. clutching at his chest. His chest. Something is coming out. There is a roar in the distance, getting louder. Like a thunderstorm approaching the coast. Louder until even the high-pitched screech is not enough to compete with it. Louder. Louder. We rise, and as we rise we feel the shock. Look down massive shockwave. everything is flattened, all is laid to waste. But we are held tight. We are raised up.

- - -

Everything must change
theres a mirror showing me the ugly truth
these limbs they ache with holy fire
but i've got nothing to give
just a life to live...

- Delirious?

- - -

nothing is seen, for all good things are hidden until their appointed time.

dare you to blog... like today never happened...

2007-07-09T19:45:00.001+10:00

so many thoughts rushing past and blinding..thrilling...

a light turns on in my head, followed by others. like ***** I suddenly see what i have been blinded to.

the truth frustrates me a little, due to its relative nature. It looks one way from this side, and on the other completely different.

I feel like a new born, kicking and screaming...

cause you've seen too much, too young... soulless is...

If i look deep enough and dark enough do i simply find a broken jar? or do i find little blue gel crystals forming and coating, filling the gaps and making more of me than i could ever be. These industrius nanobots, constructed someplace else do find fit to reconstruct and deconstruct me.

they've found pieces i didn't remember, pieces from long ago. Like sand crystals washed from continent to continent. Also there is a distant roar.

you don't know when the end is, but its coming fast...
a roar like an ocean, but also like a lion. Now we hear only the premonition; the image of things to come. But soon we will know and we will know in completeness. For this is merely the beginning

I can't let them win

cold. echo. selective or remote.
incapacitated.
solitude or sanctity
silence or noise.

blinding light

sometimes i think about a drill in my head. the warm melting me away.
boring a deep hole into the depths of my imagination and rescuing me from this symphony of destruction.

i feel a warmth on my hands, rising and flowing...

its like a river, a river of sadness, but also of glory. Not a glory of my own, but a gift.

and you, you touch my life...

wash me in blood and let me be...

take all of me, my desires that keep burning deep inside...

there's not a part of me that belongs here... i dont belong here...
there's not a part of me thats settled with the way I am.
I still dig deeper and want more and cherish time spent in deep pools of consciousness.

sometimes a note speaks more than words. sometimes i feel like my only friend...
but i can't sleep...

Truth is a manipulation that i can't afford to follow. for the rules he makes and the rules he breaks assuming i can swallow, for i have tripped a thousand miles just to see your touch
and i should not lose hope again until i've seen as much.

that is... assuming theres someone there...

is there anybody out there?

...my wheels in constant motion...

for if i should live a hundred years to feel this way again
there should at least be someone else to accept this sense of blame.
for enough of silent snuff has left its mark of shame
and i should be content to be as much as I can be.

the cat likes my beard.

such a tender moment. sitting silently, gazing at you. i look into your eyes.
and watch, wait, i'm still expecting you to attack, but instead there is imitation. constructs..

is there anybody in there?

i don't know what i see, but i know that i want to see, want to know... want to...

theres a story about a boy chasing a girl who follows her to the cliff face and jumps after you, for if only he could grab her before her death it would be enough.

sorry, thats not me.

but it could be someone else.

could it be you.

where are you?

what do you make of this?

what happened when you look back, and just watch.
do you like what you see or are you frightened,..,., why?

what could scare you. what could frighten you so much.
where is your limit and can i take you there.

theres sometime poetic and redemptive about having a gun pointed at your head.
it shows you where you are in the world, and how much you care and about whom.

I remember sitting there, hands rubbing against the tightly bound rope, around my wrists were already raw, flesh stinging in the muggy air. my mouth had been closed, temporarily. Even so i had nothing to say, for people must do what they must do, and I can simply sit there and gaze into their eyes.

***** held the gun at me, and let it slide across my face. the cold sharp sensation of wet steel carving a memory into my cheek. then it move up to my forehead and stayed there, daring me to move, daring me to move.....

then they did sometime quite unexpected. The gun was pulled away, it feel sharply to their side as if the power had vanished from their limbs. It then clanged heavily to the ground. My captor's strength fading until finally they fell too; a righteous thump as they lay there staring back at me whispering ' i am nothing '.

the cords which had bound me so tightly loosened themselves and draped over the chair. I arose and looked for the exit, running and running.... running and running.

Then i stop and turn to see myself, lying there, blood oozing and pouring from quarters of my temple. I return to my body and pick it up, pulling it too myself and gently rubbing its shoulder whispering... 'be the one to carry you, when you can walk no further...'

ode to the truth that lies deep inside and yet above on high.

...scary old man...

2007-06-25T15:39:00.001+10:00

posted on myspace 21 june 2007

...scary old man...
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Pets and Animals

...this one day i was walking home from the shop and there was an old man standing by the side of the road.he looked mean. kinda like my teacher...

- - - - -

then one day your head explodes and thunders in your ear..

you shout but no one seems to hear..

- - - - -

you smile sweetly and lean over me, whispering delights as i twirl a straw around my clouded glass.
i inhale deeply of your fragrance and listen to the gentle echo of your voice.
you tell me of far off things, of beautiul places and illumination.
i drag my glass up, drain a little, then turn towards you. your nose meets mine, we dance a little, you breathe in slightly. I gaze into your eyes, a fountain, a geyser, an abyss. I am drawn in. Frozen like so much ice and concrete, this moment and saturation. an instinct shrouded by mystical perfume, it reaches up through my pores; into my mind, screaming at me GO AHEAD AND KISS ME, i wait, desperate for the contact but still slightly content to simply stay motionless. i tickle of fear reaches around my throat, caressing my larynx, scratching my wind pipe, it grabs suddenly and pulls...

darkness, theres a dripping, it feels like torture, but it smells like you. you you and you. a smell i can't ignore, can't forget, it reaches down past my lungs and drags at my heart, pulling me up and over, wrestling me free, i can see the darkness but i can't feel it for your touch has burned my skin to a crisp, all thats left is a memory that you were here once and you were with me. i hear noises, but they frighten me with thoughts i can't articulate and feelings i musn't hide from.
Your voice it scatters all my thoughts upon the breeze and loosens the chains which bind me in this place and threaten me with exposure should i dare to unveil what i have kept close to me.

- - - - -

the man wasn't there anymore, but i didn't feel bad cos he scared me, and i wanted him to go away, wanted him to leave me alone, leave us all alone. alone for the birds on the breeze, and watching for pigs on the wing....

...wash me in blood and let me be, the first-born of the dead...

2007-06-25T15:38:00.003+10:00

posted on myspace 11 june 2007

...wash me in blood and let me be, the first-born of the dead...
Current mood: chipper
Category: Parties and Nightlife

A crowned rider with arrows and bow
A red rider with a great firey sword
Flames come from the one called death
Horror and apocalypse follows

Ride, won't you four horsemen ride again
Before this kingdom is blown to kingdom come
I hold fast to what I believe
Till I see my name in stone

Blessed are the dead

- "Blessed are the dead" Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)

- - - - -

sometimes i stop and feel ill, my head hurts and the world starts shaking...

then you watch reality crumble away like so many broken pieces of glass. you pull your limbs towards yourself and graple and anything you can feel, and start to recognise the familiar pain of the blood spilt on the floor.

but theres always a pin prick from below, a solid shaft of heat and fire which burns away the blood and washes away my tears.

and theres a sleeping girl whos smiling and oh so understated...

- - - - -

but the feeling remains that i'm drowning under silence and the bespeakled nature of the clouds above betray a truth i can't ignore. That time set by the heavens is about to set its course upon a world scant aware of its nature.

she is fair and oh so fine and sometimes i wonder if i can lie here forever sitting under her grace, the faint whisper of her hair and the enunciation of her breath belies the volumes underneath her skin. still i sit here and time ignores me subtley before turning to attack for I have cursed and screamed at its rules for far too long and it can no longer take the abuse. set beneath a starry sky the waves gently lapping against the side with their echo relfecting cursively upon my gentle bliss.

Her dark eyes and dark hair and dark mystery beneath the layers of her mind hides itself and subtely hints at something more; torturing every breath that stains the memory that i must go and leave and walk away and never return to the sanctity I have stolen.

But to watch is to stare and glare and regail myself with her beauty. Her hand reaches up and grasps my chin, bare and clean it slivers generously under her touch...

.. ITS TOO LATE NOW RIDE ON FOR I HAVE STOLEN AND CANT GIVE BACK WHAT WASNT MINE AND I SHALL PAY OH HOW I SHALL PAY FOR MY IGNORANCE AND MY PLATITUDES AND THE FRIGHTENING FEELING THAT SOMETHING SOMEWHERE KNOWS AND WANTS TO AVENGE ITSELF UPON ME PULLING ME UNDER AND BEATING ME BEATING ME DOWN TO THE GROUND>>>

whipsers return and they reach up and grab and bite and scream at me for my undue influence and a sacrifice I never made, a lie i never told. It does not matter for I am falling into infinity; yet why has the noise left me awake and wondering what the score is and where I fell away into these gentlescenes from a memory that isn't mine and wasn't mine and should have been left behind in the agony in which it was birthed.

All i shall look forward to is when dream and day unite and hustle up the change of seasons that will leave me TRAPPED INSIDE THIS>>>>>>>>> TRAPPED INSIDE THIS>>>>>>>> TRAPPED INSIDE THIS>>>>>>>>>>> TRAPPED INSIDE THIS>>>>>>>>>>

bleed away my love
dont wait for the water to change into wine
for its been so long since I kissed you
and i drift away from you.

- - - - -

parting is such sweet sorrow.

- - - - -

wander, oh i wander amongst the stars. all is quiet and finally free from all the love i once new.
theres an echo somewhere but if i do ignore it shall ignore and find another victim for its mindless stupidity. for a battle call is sounded and the mind it has been founded on a truth i can't ignore or let go of to finally find that its all out there and partly in here and hiding from what it should trust...

the substance of the question put to me of shall i tell the truth or shall i tell a truth or should the truth simply come out in whatever form it may, and i talk about my girlfriend and you ask me who she is and I tell you I don't have one.. and you ask whose body I dragged in here and carved up and i tell you its not there and i'm not here and you're not here and this is a construct and a fantasy but YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME AND YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK ABOUT THE TRUTH AS IF YOU CAN EVER KNOW THE TRUTH BUT NO DAMMIT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW I FEEL AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS FOR IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN AND I FORCE MYSELF TO CONSTRUCT TO CREATE TO REALLY LIVE inside these demands of yours because you refuse to move along and instead demand something you can share and talk about and live a little vicariously through me but i will go places you don't want to and i will talk of things that you won't see and spend my life in constant motion circling around you with little shapes of trees and ghosts and children playing and you don't belong here and I DONT BELONG HERE I DONT BELONG HERE I DONT BELONG HERE, wrapped up in your skull, shaking my fist and screaming out your name but you won't hear me you can't hear me locked in a cage of your own making demanding that i tell you what is real and what is fake... the only response you'll ever get is one of bile and filth for the contempt you have shown me with the test that stumped them all...

- - -

silence beckons through the mist

- - -

Take me or leave me, don't have to believe me
All the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away
Take me or leave me, believe me good will come

It's OK, you know I'll live to fight another day
It's OK, you know I'll live to find another way

She's as pretty as hell and her eyes have no home
The beauty has run from your face
Such beauty that hung from your face
And if you would drink this wine you'll shine

It's OK, you know I'll live to fight another day
It's OK, you know I'll live to find the words to say
It's OK, you know I'll live to find another way
And if you would give me holy wine, I'll shine

Will you come to me like
A Summers Day
I will sing again

Written by Martin Smith/Stuart Garrard ©1999 Curious? Music UK

i saw a horse today...

2007-06-25T15:38:00.001+10:00

posted on myspace 31 may 2007

i saw a horse today...
Category: Pets and Animals

running around in circles, i don't know where he was going... i assumed he was a he.

but he was going, and going pretty fast.... at least i thought so... but i guess fast is only as fast as you think it is...
and no one is as fast as you...

i had a dream about running once... one of those endless dreams, where you wake up and you still feel like you're running half an hour later. you sit down in the chair and start panting because of the exercise and your flatmate asks, why are you panting... you just got up?

after weeks of nothing and zip and nada even getting up takes it out of you...

this morning i got up and walked out of the front door, stupid lawn mower, ruining a perfectly good drunken saunter towards the letterbox. paper... not there, stupid mail boy. i haven't seen our daily paper all week.

saunter back inside, collapse on arm chair, dressing gown falls open revealing boxer shorts and protruding stomach region. flick on tv.

crap. crap. crap. crap... foreign crap...amateur crap...

you know that feeling that you really should be doing something but in fact you have nothing to do, the lawn is mowed, the clothes are drying, assessments are all done. girlfriend's at work...

what is a man to do. i resumed saunter pace, this time with a raggedy shirt and pants on; roughly in the direction of the corner convienience store. i picked up a bread roll and dragged it to the counter..

'ooo noo, they not gewd... fresh batch sewn'

frustrated i return the crusty roll and head back to the flat.

- - - - -

mum and aunt and uncle were yelling tonight, i don't know what about... but im sure it means no pudding for me, and more stress for dad...

dad works really hard, he has two jobs and he spends time with us, hes the best...

mum and i talk loud a lot, i dont think she hears me some times... i dont think she knows what i am saying... but thats ok i guess, cause she does heaps for us, and doesn't get a lot of hugs....

i think hugs are like money... the more hugs you get the more money you have. or maybe its the more hugs you give, i dunno.

- -

turns out i did get desert, i wasn't expecting it after the yelling before. i had to eat it in my room, but its better than having none, but i did want to watch tv tonight so its not a perfect ending. i should read my book, i dont want to but i should. its about this guy, well. lots of guys and they do all this stuff with swords and spears and sheilds. there are girls too, but they dont do stuff with swords or anything. my friend alice, she says the book is biassd, i dont know what that means but she said its about the fact that she wants to play with swords and she thinks the book is wrong because in the book girls dont play with swords. i think she is wrong. she doesn't do sword stuff good... and her sword is ugly.

but tomorrow we are going to the park, and i love this park cause it has a big fountain in the middle with painted pictures on the inside of the fountain, so you can see fish and stuff as your playing...

- - - - -

its been a long day and sandy has decided that she is going to go straight to bed tonight. she is too tired and doesn't want to be up late, even though she's special and needs to stay up late.
thats what dad says anyway...

- - -

he is seated, calm, serene. the sun washes over his forehead, caked in a red substance of some sort. he waits for a few moments before getting up and walking over to the basin, it is filled with red. he gently places his hands in the red, cups it and brings it up; covering his face in it.

- - -

why does it hurt so much...

- - -

blood drips down his neck and makes its way down his back and legs before starting a pool at his feet

- - -

DONT YOU ******* TOUCH ME

- - -

cleansing..

- - -

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH HER

- - -

i don't really feel anything anymore, not since... then...

sometimes in the mirror i see something, a fleeting glimpse, a flicker of light... but it quickly fades... replaced with the clouds...

- - -
why doesn't it shine anymore... why its got no power

- - -

i sat in the shower last night and just let the water run over me, i felt at peace, calm for the first time in years. part of me could feel the power bill coming on, the other needed to stay there to feel safe.

- - -

i walked outside this morning, i had heard thunderclouds before, and expected rain. But the sun was beginning to shine again; little bits of light flickering off leaves and stones. i walked out to the road and just watched; looking back and forward.

i saw someone drudge out and reach their letterbox, reaching for it, leaning on it. she was smoking a cigarette, or rather holding one securely in the corner of her mouth, wisps of smoke curling through her long hair. I waved. she didn't see. i cry out 'good morning' and wave, a grand beaming smile... she looks up, sees me; looks up and down the street, looks back at me. removes the cigarette and smiles back. a little wave. it is a start. i watch her hobble back; she looks in pain on one side.

- -

some seed was planted amongst thorns, which leeched all the moisture and choked the seed.

some horses are made into glue.

some people are glue, they fit people together like jigsaw puzzles and then walk away marvelling at what they have done. though they tend to be blindfolded most of the time and aren't really putting matching pieces together, more forcing two odd shaped bits into unholy covenant.

words to say, to say what all i mean.

and where does it start, and where does it seem to matter to those around me...

1000 reads...

2007-06-25T15:37:00.002+10:00

posted on myspace 23 may 2007

1000 reads...
Category: Life

i would like to sing a little song, but theres all these strategic cracks in my vocal string which forces me down to only the the harmonic key of Dm.

and not that Dm is evil or anything, but it does lead itself to sadness. and I am leading myself to sadness already so that doesn't help.

and i fall
and i cry
cry out for you

picking me up from the hole i've dug myself
and she doesn't care, doesn't know that he's

waiting for this
waiting for her
waiting for reasons to care about what he should
waiting for time
waiting for a season that never comes around

and i fall
and i cry
cry out for blood

finding a piece of the mystery closing around him
broken inside i don't know why i am

waiting for this
waiting for her
waiting for reasons to care about what I should
waiting for time
waiting for a season that never comes around

why has my sun fallen again
and passed around a second time
why is the moon so quiet
and so suggestive of a peace

why is feeling not a feeling that i want
why aren't you hearing (screaming)
why aren't you hearing (screaming)
why aren't you hearing

the voice inside me whipsers deep and whispers long
about a change about to take place, am I to change
the way I look into her eyes and simplify the reasons
for the gaze that does return and the arms
that wrap around my solitude and comfort all my demons..

and i fall (and i stand)
and i cry (and i scream)
cry out for you

- - - - - - - -

i don't know whats real sometimes and whats make believe.
reality has its ways of turning it all inside out and i'm left feeling like a washing machine, but its all ok because nothing really matters and the wounds will heal and lets face it they make us stronger.

- - - - -

i speak in parables because they listen without hearing, and see without understanding.

- - - - -

I walked outside this morning and the sun beat down upon my face. stupid sun, next time i'll show it whose boss.

i have dreams about destruction sometimes, blowing up buildings, general property destruction. then you wake up and theres a bill on your table and i'm thinking i'm sure i had insurance to cover that. but there it is on the bottom line in very fine print. "if you can read this you are still dreaming"

love the subconscious hints you get sometimes, like when you're about to walk into traffic and a little voice says "Oi!" followed a little later by 'what do you think you are doing' to which i always reply a mumbled response-like 'walking into traffic' anything to rid the boredom.. anything to stop the pain. haha pain. early morning, april 4th, shot rings out in a memphis sky, free at last, they took your life, they could not take your pride'

there's this warmth that comes sometimes, a healing warmth, then you wake up cold again and remind yourself that you're moving and that it will all be better soon.

turns out Jesus has a cat. nuts to all you dog lovers...

- - -

do you get that tapping noise on your window.. and you sit and ignore it for a while, but eventually it takes over and suddenly your ferreting around outside with your cellphone set to stun... errr. light... and a large towel, somehow thinking that if there is anyone there you could use your macgyver like skills to whip them into a frenzy and then hurl your cellphone at their heads cause lets face it, its a nokia and they are indestructable. some people find comments like that to be somewhat of a challenge. me i have a year and a half still to pay off. so i just wait inside for the trained possums to attack.

i think perhaps the intruder was a possum, as such he has been demoted by the league and will never be sent out of sugary-food missions again. one thing useful the dog does is keep the ranks of possums in line. and I guess for that all is forgiven. besides i'm supposed to forgive...

what is there to forgive or to be done. its all in my head and i'm thinking... i still haven't had a coffee and ****** is bring me one so i needed some music and then decided to check my email and blog, then i felt a sadness come over me, so i expressed it in dire need to relieve some pressure from this shift, then tried desperately to dig myself out of that little hole.

but its okay cause i'm still learning and the possums will be strangled i dont care about your stupid laws in your stupid country, where i come from they're a ..... menace.

stupid menace... menacing grin, you know theres trouble when that turns up.

so apparently arguements fuel the depth in relationships.

so me and ******* must have a great friendship then huh...

yeah you know what i mean.

im hoping for food at some stage, i have surveyed the cockroaches lying dead around the place and have decided not to take that particular trip, although there are some coffee beans in my car...

and rocks in my shoes... stupid shoes...

everything is feeling empty and i'm feeling empathic, so theres a creeping emptyness although i know its not real, iuts assumed. stupid ass...

but thats ok, i know there s a smiling face out there somewhere and someone broken, someone fixed, someone healing, someone bruised.

****** will be home soon then there will be coffee and I will go out into the lounge and caress the big wooden thing gently with a sledgehammer, don't worry kids, i have protection...

out into the madness i go head swinging, arms flailing, and the slight recognition that there was something i took for a cold and it may not have been the right thing...

colors.......ahhhh ohhhh....

light

2007-06-25T15:37:00.001+10:00

posted on myspace 21 may 2007

light
Category: Parties and Nightlife

so its dark, and im alone...

the faint sound of thunder in the distance... there is a smell of something rotten wafting across my path.

i look up in time to witness the suicide of a streetlamp, this is the second time this has happened tonight. i do not feel that i am dragging anything metaphysical that might be collapsing the world around these poor creatures, but i am quite sure that they will stay dead for quite some time.

across the street cars career past, or idle. I have crossed the street and found myself at a store, it has a large glass window with which I find myself obsessed. I can see my reflection and the more I look, the more I wanna look. I dont see myself, i see something else.

Then there is movement, quick. a girl appears at my side, she looks at herself in the window, then turns to look at me, i turn also. but find nothing. There is no one. I turn back to the window and there she is staring at me. She starts to glow, the light coming from her eyes is so blinding, yet I stare and stare and fall. crumpled to the ground, but she reaches out and picks me up, holding me up. yet still all i see is the reflection. Now standing, she lets go of me and steps back before vanishing into light. darkness falls. I turn, back to the window, and start running...

let them eat cake...

2007-06-25T15:36:00.002+10:00

posted on 18 may 2007

let them eat cake...

so once my mum made me a race car cake, but it crashed into the barrier and exploded, i think the same driver later destroyed a volcano cake... these things happen...

i ran into a volcano once... it was like falling and falling and falling and then i woke up drenced it clammy sweat soaked sheets... then i woke up again and was safe and dry...

hmmm...

...do cooties get transferred just by looks. i think i saw a girl look at a guy once and then he started screaming and scratching himself all over... then another time i felt an itching on my arm, so i looked up and around and... i was in a maths lecture... who would have guessed, i dont think the lecturer was female but who can tell sometimes...

so i saw this cake the other night and it was amazing and huge and so i just stared at it, into it, fathoming its mysteries.. gazing into its complexities...

turns out the cake had depth... and layers..

cooties...

2007-06-25T15:36:00.001+10:00

posted on myspace 15 may 2007

cooties...

a continuation of the cooties debarcle..

-----

see the problem is that there is this girl right, and you're JUST friends right, then for no apparent reason it gets all complicated. and one thing leads to another...

those stupid things and their stupid leadings, and before you know it, this girl is like some sort of virus that invades waking and non-waking moments...

maybe you could just have a thing and it not lead to anything, but of course we don't live in that kinda world, instead we have stupid causality...

so then you think about this girl all the time and then something horrible happens and suddenly everything hurts for like 6 days or 6 weeks or 6 months... wtf is with that..

which leads us right back to this girl whose JUST friends right, then for no apparent reason it all gets complicated, and one thing leads to another.

and then its like some sort of see haw, or even a see saw where both parties are desparately trying to keep the thing level, none of this up/down/up/down $#!T.... so then theres this tension and....

...wait a minute... i like tension... damn liking tension...

stupid tension giving reason to live and breath in my bones..

ah sweet bones.
dem bones dem bones dem dry bones...

someone once thought it would be cool to have a xylophone made out of human bones... cool, but creepy... like insects i guess... or blood... oozing blood.

how do i keep getting back to blood.

"So basically i want to cover you with blood, what do you think..."

...so theres this tension, and it kinda feels unresolved, which is really exactly what tension is.
and all the effort seems to be in keeping it unresolved as it hurtles its way toward the impending doom that we like to call a relationship.

really i mean what kind of twisted freak would think that you could get two totally selfish individuals to join together as one. actually i guess its a really good idea and its just a pity about the selfish thing.

lyics from pagan poetry by bjork

"I love him

This time : I'm gonna keep me to myself
This time : I'm gonna keep my all to myself

She loves him

But he makes me want to hand myself over

She loves him[repeat this line ad nauseum]"

[posted a few hours later]

my head hurts...

feeling tired and run down and my head hurts, and i have to tidy my room or there will be no pudding...

here fushy fushy...

2007-06-25T15:35:00.002+10:00

posted on myspace 12 may 2007

here fushy fushy...
Category: Food and Restaurants

I had a goldfish once, it was goldy... more orange..

it had a little tank which it swam around, and a little castle inside the tank for it to bang its head on. the thing with my goldfish is it would bang its head and then a few seconds later forget that it hurt and go for it again, it was like a lemming fish, or at the very least a fish with suicidal tendencies...

whatever they are...

fush

2007-06-25T15:35:00.001+10:00

posted on myspace 12 may 2007

fush

it was like this one time when we went fishing with some friends, and we were out all morning, like 2 hours... and we caught nothing, then the sun rose and we were tired so we decided to sing to the fish, but did this help us catch any..no

the bitch....

2007-06-25T15:34:00.000+10:00

posted on myspace 11 may 2007

the bitch....

some question has been assigned regarding the legitamacy of my hatred for dogs.
I dont hate dogs. i hate dog-smell.

its not that i hate been licked on the face its just that i know what else she licks with that tongue...

i remember one time a jack russell, it jumped pretty high... yeah... but it was on the other sider of the fence, so every fewe seconds its head and part of its body would appear above the fence, before disappearing. i was amazed at its consistency and level of genuine endurance. so impressed that i forgot about the simple things in life, like homework and television and just sat there transfixed by this dog. then it occured to me... is that the dog bouncing, or is it some sort of springy trampy thingy. i had heard that these types of dogs were real jumpers, but had never experienced such awe personally. so eventually after mulling it over i got up and went up to the fence, again watching the dog, up, down, up, down, up down...

then i peered over the fence. sure enough... one of those little gym tramps, you know, the ones that hang around the entrance of fitness first holding up placards reading 'membership unfairly revoked' or 'sexist fascists inside'

i should probably stop banging on about sexist fascists as well. i mean they have feelings too right... feelings of betrayl and fear, desperation and lonliness...

that reminds me of this one time, i was on a stairwell and I was looking for my folks, and i had no idea where they were, so i run up the stairwell and searched all the rooms, and then ran back down the stair well and searched everywhere, and then returned back to the stairwell, i could hear voices but i couldn't find them... wait maybe that was a nightmare... in sheeps clothing..

i used to have a sheep... it died,...

some people say that death is where old people go. i wonder if the food is nice.
i'll go most places providing the food is nice. or if there is a good band. or good company...

what makes a good band. my friend suggests the trombone player. they are certainly at the bottom end of the scale...

b.

why you should subscribe to my blog...

2007-06-25T15:33:00.000+10:00

posted on myspace 11 May 2007

why you should subscribe to my blog...

because, duh, otherwise you have to visit my page every week to know whether i have written anything of any value.

- - -

So tonight i'm going out which is kinda scary cos i guess i don't get out a lot, except to go to the car and then to college/work/meet people, although the third one doesn't really count cos its part of the first two, but this time i am going out out, like out, for dinner. a group of us people who don't get out a lot decided to go out together, which could i guess be alot of fun.

our dog is still scary... today i roped it to the table so it wouldn't run away, it runs away sometimes and then neighbours bring it back, turns out the dog goes a visiting.. i guess there isn't a lot to do as a dog, other than sniffing butts and rolling in the grass, and eating biscuits, so many damn biscuits...

i would hate to live off biscuits, of course if they made meat biscuits, maybe that would be different. or beer biscuits... wait how does that even work.

this one time i walked out side and poured out a beer onto the concrete jsut to watch it dribble away... but you just can't do that with beer, oh beer elixir of life, drink of the gods. ye gods.

i had a dream about my friend last night, i remembered it when i woke up and got excited that i had remembered it, and was going to tell my friend when i saw her but then she wasn't at college today and i forgot what the dream was about, i remember it being happy though, i'm having happy dreams at the moment... i did have one scary dream though. apparently it was really scary, but i wasn't a fraid... that was weird./..

like when you're walking down the street and suddenly a 12 foot spider comes out from behind a rock and comes after you, thats scary, but imagine standing there and staring at it, and you're not scared... thats what its like... i should be really afraid, but i'm not... why is that...

sometimes i go out side and feel scared of everything, like spiders and dogs and other people, but most people seem to be really nice, and mostly confused. everyone seems confused, perhaps i should stop talking to them in foreign tongues, although i am making the effort to learn someone's language, well not really learn it but come up with sweet things to say.. you know sweet things like 'hey that chicken looks really good, can i have some?' or "have you seen my lightsaber"...

mmm chicken... imagine carving a chicken with a lightsaber... imagine... just chicken. i had chicken today. it was moist, there is nothing worse than non-moiust chicken, dry chicken... still if there was a dry chicken doing stand-up comedy, i'd laugh.. i like dry comedy, i don;t know why, maybe caose my dad is dry...
not like dried up... and maybe he's actually having a shower or swimming right now, and thats the end of that little dry-spell.

*coughs*

i;'ve had this little cough the last few days, it started off really cute and small, and i'm hoping one day that it will leave home and be a big cough with lots of friends and a beautiful wife and gorgeous cute little coughs of its own.

i had a furball once but it left cause i wouldn't take it for walks... turns out it wanted to see the world.

some people think there is a moon in my picture. i dont know what they are thinking, cos if that was the moon, then it would be too close to my head...

still hoping for some people to clear up the cootie situation, although i did smell a girls hair the other day, hey wait, maybe thats where the little cough came from.

her hair smelled nice though.
warm fuzzy nice...

remember apples, remember what they smell like? me neither...

sometimes i like to stand on a bridge and watch water flow underneath the bridge, you feel like you're going in all directions, travelling the speed of something fast, but then you realise you're going nowhere, so you leave the bridge and goto a cd store, beacuse i figure if you're gonna go nowhere fast then you better have some good tunes to listen to on the way.

anyway i have to go now, i should have a shower and scratch my back a little and think of pretty thigns. why? i don't know... stupid glass cage of emotions...

i think it would be neat to drive down the wrong side of the road sometime... you know to watch cars whooshing past and honking their horns, it would feel like you were going at light speed or warp speed or something similary science ficitony... why can't science fiction be science fact, then meals wouldn't take as long...

grrrrr

b.

you know what, i should write a blog

2007-06-25T15:29:00.000+10:00

posted on myspace 19 April 2007

- - - - -

you know what? i should write a blog...
Current mood: exanimate
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

oooo dreams and the supernatural..

dreams are scary, even the happy ones. cause you're lying there sleeping, having this wonderful amazing dream, and it probably involves something or someone special and happiness, then you wake up and go 'wow, that was scary... i almost believed that was real'.

you know what else is scary, insects, their oh so tiny and yet their legs go ape-sh..., seriously if we moved around as fast as insects you'd be standing outside looking off in the distance.. 'hey that looks like....' *BAM* and you're friend has already arrived, and its scary enough having people turn up at your doorstep but when they turn up really quickly, that would be really scary... i think.

you know what else is scary... demons. You're sitting their minding your own business, then this great big snorting, smoking, bulging, giant of an animal drags its carcass along the ground and attaches itself to you... and starts telling you bad stuff about yourself... thats scary.

scary is when the dog jumps up and its paws land around about your tummy-button region, but you've got a bad feeling that the dog is gonna lose its footing and probably smack you in the 'doozy' on their way back to the ground.

supernatural.

so thats like scary... right. cos its like super-natural. its better than natural, bigger, longer, uncut. but probably with less swearing. so supernatural is scary because its so much more than you can deal with. I mean its one thing to argue about where you came from and evolution and apes and creation and god. but supernatural... there aren't even any good explanations, its just out there... like moulder and scully, out there... like stars.... out there... like the dog.

i have a bizarre relationship with ------'s dog, she wants constant attention, i provide very little. she wants a walk, i dont have time for a walk. she wants cuddles... i think she smells... thats whats scary, when the dog licks you and you aren't quite sure yet how bad it is gonna smell, it could be regular bad-dog-smell, or it could be supernatural-bad-dog-smell, which we know from a previous paragraph is pretty scary, even just to think about.

seriously i had a dream i was a stand up comic, and it wasn't one of those 'underpants' dreams, where you're on stage in front of everyone wearing underpants and then suddenly you look down and realise the underpants situation and kinda do the freak out thing.....*coughs*.... i was on stage, i told jokes, people laughed, i told them to try the lamb, they laughed harder, that was it... actually maybe it wasn't a dream, maybe that was a nightmare... some dreams only really make sense in the context of actually being nightmares.

people say that cheese gives you nightmares... what happens when you have nightmares about cheese... is that like a supernatural nightmare...

and whats with supernatural horror movies.... oh... ooooh yeah.... m'bad.

so apparently there was a memo in 8th grade that girls were no longer evil, and that the cootie situation had been sorted out. i remember being the last to figure that out, maybe it was cos our family had a slow internet connection, i dunno. but i do remember a few years later, standing outside of a classroom, and there was this girl; she looked at me, and I looked back, but it wasn't some kind of friendly connection, she was giving me the evil-eye. who am I kidding, i don't even know what an evil-eye is... but that day did make me question the integrity of that memo. so maybe most girls have moved beyond evil, into maybe post-evil. but i guess its also possible that some are hitting evil a little later in life, so when all the other girls are being nice and have boyfriends and knit jumpers... there are some girls who are reaching prime-evil.

makes you wonder...

i had a girl smile at me the other day... that was scary.

so where are we on the cootie situation. ? anyone, anyone.

- - - - -

the dog is pretending to be friendly, it has laid itself down behind the chair i am sitting on, but i think i have figured out its game, previously on '24' it has jumped to attention as soon as I have made 'getting-out-of-chair' sounds.

but i have figured out her game. and just as soon as i think i'm the smart one, she gets up and leaves.

i'm going to leave all you beautiful people with a quote, an inspirational quote... a quote of such depth and precision...

"Never argue with an idiot!
They bring you down to their level,
and then beat you with experience..."

because this is for that/...

2007-06-25T15:26:00.000+10:00

having rediscovered my blogspot, i shall continue simulcasting on myspace and blogger.

suckers...

stretch

2006-09-18T15:19:00.000+10:00

It's been a while... its been a freakin while.

today has almost been a joke.

I finally got the reprint (to tape) of two weeks ago, after finding a mistake in the original by complete accident.

and last friday took down #1907 and #1909 to Ten, cause somehow my copy of #1907 never got posted and has disappeared, possibly into deepest darkest africa with micah.

and today after doing Run #2 of AUS 1909, i discover *gasp* theres a mistake in the editing, 4 channels of video have side shifted themselves about 5 seconds, which is entirely enough to completely screw over my ad.

i appreciate that there are very few people who understand what i just said.. but i felt the need to get it out so there...

basically i think i'm behind again - and ***** is screaming at me about an *** ********* dvd. and its the simplest thing i need to do, but it took 3 hours out of my friday last week (which helped put me behind) and is gonna take at least another 1 out of this week... grrrr. not their fault, but its just another little thing...

- - - - -

gradually leaving CCWorships at the moment, the money is still helpful, but its still just another thing which is requiring extra focus to manage and to stay on top of.

- - - - -

Do you think Christians are deep thinkers?

it was a question prompted by someone i was giving a lift home to last night.

initially i went with no. I think in general christians often opt for the easy/superficial answers instead of digging deep. This is based on my very limited experience as a 23 year old.

However, it also occured to me that a lot of people seem shallow at first and then only later when you have built up trust do they open up and reveal their true depth of character.

I probably appear this way to others as well. Although I think I try to frighten people off with weirdness as a way of weeding people out. One could call it a selection process.
In saying that I am soooo much more smooth/stable than I was a couple of years ago. and easy to talk to as well. at least I like to think so.

I think I think i'm an easy going guy who happens to live at a higher level of intensity than most people.
and probably takes himself too seriously and makes too many jokes at anyone's (including his own) expense. [and talks about himself in the third person way too often]

there. there's some cud to chew on.

go forth and chew the cud....

or whatever it is you people do.

Worth-ship

2006-08-07T07:57:00.000+10:00

"If you make an altar of stones for me, do not build it with dressed stones, for you will defile it if you use a tool on it."

...if you make an altar...

an altar is a structure, a purpose built structure for making offerings to a being.
some people make altar's to animals, or to celebrities. We make altar's to our God, creator of heaven and earth.

I will take the initiative to suggest that this phrase might be rendered "when you make an altar". When is not a correct translation, but 'when', i feel, emphasises the fact that we will be erecting such a structure, as opposed to 'if' you ever make an altar.

...do not build it with dressed stones, for you will defile it if you use a tool on it.

dressed stones. stones that have been crafted. in the NT paul refers to individual members of God's church as living stones. So when we build an altar to God with stones, we build an altar with ourselves, with our lives, our actions, our souls.
It would be easy at this point to take the second part literally and suggest that those who have tattoo's or those who have wounded themselves cannot offer themselves to God as an offering. However to do this requires mixing the metaphorical with the literal and I do not believe that this is a correct rendering of the text.
Instead I suggest that 'using a tool' implies the works of our hands. If we try to make ourselves a more worthy sacrifice by deeds or actions or creations. God is calling us here to offer ourselves to him naked and unashamed. Paul says 'boldly approach the throne of grace'.
When Adam & Eve were in the garden of eden pre-fall they were naked and unashamed, so must we commune with God, not hiding anything but 'presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable'.
For Christ has made us righteous, or in right standing with God, Christ has sanctified us, and Christ has redeemed us; so that we can now approach boldly without fear of destruction from God's holy presence.

But we must approach not with the works of our hands, not trying to be something, or trying to bring something that we have made, but simply bringing ourselves.

When we sing worship songs or write worship songs, we do not offer those songs to God as a sacrifice, we offer ourselves.

At this point you can start to see a frame of mind that would suggest, why then should we be creative if God does not desire us to offer our creation to Him. God delights in our creativity, but he wants us to bring ourselves to the altar, not the things we have created. The mere fact that we create is part of offering ourselves naked and unashamed before the Lord.

...the possibility of physical and mental collapse, is now very real...

2006-07-22T20:42:00.000+10:00

...today was my first genuine day off/sabbath in a while.

last weekend I was in NZ at a family reunion, the weekend before - filming a conference. and i've had to work hard in between to get all my hours done.

-----

I awoke with a bad feeling in my throat, however I am not sick, I am well in Jesus name.

-----

tonight I have to go and film cafe connect. fortunately we had an early word that the duration was going to blow out, and so as we speak phil is philming the first half and I am heading in to relieve him in about fifteen minutes.

but i am feeling really tired, and should have tried to opt out of tonight completely and enjoy my day off instead. however responsibilities have intervened.

-----

oh and the weekend before conference my parents were over visiting, so there, no sabbath in a month....gosh.

-----

I am gonna end my emusic subscription after this month. Its probably best i spent that money elsewhere for the moment, also finding music to get takes a lot of time, time that could probably be better spent listening to chuck missler or learning something new...

-----

J.

...

2006-06-14T17:57:00.000+10:00

i'm very concerned.

I AM NOT JOINING MYSPACE

2006-06-11T15:15:00.000+10:00

above is a username i found somewhere...

hehe

m'bad

- - - - - - - - - -

It occurred to me ...

....why indeed...

2006-06-01T18:17:00.000+10:00

today i was involved in a car accident.
this morning, i was a car accident

wakehurst parkway, heading south, before the first bridge,
side road heading right towards a reserve.

a man stops, decides to indicate, doesn't give much warning
the first car swervs then comes to a complete stop/.

the second and third stop,

the fourth feels as if suddenly hands come off his eyes and suddenly he is heading straight for a stopped car.

BBBBBBRRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEKEEEE

slam. two metal objects collide, one stationary, the other becoming so.

steady, car ahead turns on indicator..i follow suit and turn down the right hand side road.
come to a complete stop, step out and assess crumple zone in the front of my car.

- - - - - - - - - -

i am fine, still in shock, 10 hours later. but fine.
car seems ok, some minor panel beating and some new headlamps should see it right.

YOU LOSE satan.

praise Jesus

amen

J.

...we've got it...

2006-05-24T17:30:00.000+10:00

we got the St. Andrews Court Flat. which I guess I am excited about.

I am sure I will be more excited once we have moved, the idea of moving twice in 4 months is not exciting me beyond measure...

however it will be a much larger place... and we won't have cable tv anymore which i think might be a good thing - i watch a lot of it at the moment.
although the last week its all been fairly crapy.

back to the video store I guess.
theres one in elanora, but it looked fairly dissappointing. still looking for that quintessential 'great' video store, like 'alice' in christchurch... greatest video store ever...

Be nice to be in a bigger room as well. my room at mo is tiny, and there is crap everywhere, all over the floor.
to be fair i haven't 'gotten back on my feet' financially since I moved in, so there may even be organisation to come.

cranked through my first episode of HOP and spent the last few hours working on a promo for next weeks episode.
For people with nothing better to do, my first HOP will be airing on June 10th.
Watch for the subliminal messages... hehehehehehehehehehehe

if i put subliminal messages in, bad things might happen.

J.

...that the joke was on me...

2006-05-23T19:16:00.000+10:00

with the current onslaught of 'Hour Of Power' dubs I shall perhaps be blogging more.....

...or less.

- - - - - - - - - -

BTW I now work for CCTV. As a video editor.
I edit the Australia & New Zealand versions of the show 'Hour Of Power'

hooray for doom.

seriously its good work that stimulates certain currently un-stimulated regions of the brain. and pays better than my label job, at least so i'm told...

- - - - - - - - - -

the joke is that I started a dub of NZ 1 hour and then realised that I need to be here for the end, so i can't leave work till 7.45 or so.

but i shall blog and surf a bit so the evening won't be an entire waste.

or maybe it will

tune in next week.

J.

Psalm 37:4

2006-05-21T13:26:00.000+10:00

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

This is my current memory scripture i think. the one i need to memorise.

so often I get caught up in desiring something from God, or wanting something.
But ultimately, true intimacy comes from simply wanting God, wanting more of Him in us.

I think that the times when i am anxious [be anxious for nothing] or fearful [fear not for I am with you says the Lord] or trying to do something my way under my power [its not by might nor by power but by My spirit says the Lord].
This is when I am seeking God for something that I want, rather than seeking Him for His own sake.

-

Then when I get to church... what is PPP preaching about? Prayer and intimacy with God, seeking Him for Who He Is rather than What He Can Do.

- - - - - - - - - -

I will not name names. But the other day I flicked onto ACC and there was a show on called 'What God Can Do For You'

to quote a song i rememeber from the film 'sister act'
"What have you done for Him lately"
this second quote at least has the emphasis in the right place.

Isn;t life meant to be about what we are doing for God. Shouldn't God be first, us last.

This is the thing I think I am dealing with at the moment.
It seems like more a layer deeper than the previous issue I was dealing with, that of relying on God for provision

Selah

J.

....why oh why....

2006-05-17T08:35:00.000+10:00

i got up at around 5 this morning, after waking up at 1.30, 3, 4, 4.30

i had to be up early to do a tesh shoot for my short film.
shows how awake i am ... hehe 'tesh shoot'

- - - - - - - - - -

We didn't get the place in St Andrews Gate, which i'm sure I should be more upset about, but you know...
God is in control, and everything that happens is designed to draw us closer to Him and to get us to rely more on Him and trust in Him, at least, this is my current revelation.

So i think for now the sights are firmly set on Forestville, which is the other side of college but i think a tad bit closer.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hopefully Kerry had her meeting with Paul yesterday and hopefully the CCTV budget is now set, which means hopefully they can offer me a job.

Its like 'God, here is good, this is my limit, the edge of my comfort zone, the edge of my sanity'
God: I think you can go a bit further
Me: i don't think i can.
God: yeah you can
Me: uh
God: yes
Me:uh
God: do you trust me...
Me: uh
Me: yeah why not...AAARGRGGHHHGHh

Its like leaning over a precipice.
its like being able to spell precipice...

frightening.

don't think about your bank balance
don't think about your bank balance
don't think about your bank balance

in God we trust... kinda...

i'm getting better.

mystic...

2006-05-15T19:44:00.000+10:00

the previous web site i posted a link to accused Mr. Crabtree of near-mystical beliefs...

perhaps he is right, perhaps he is wrong.

Its easy when you are only judging based on sound-bites.

But it forced me to think about myself and mysticism. Where do i stand.

Good-ol-reliable Dictionary.com spells it out for us

1 a Immediate consciousness of the transcendent or ultimate reality or God.
b The experience of such communion as described by mystics.
2 A belief in the existence of realities beyond perceptual or intellectual apprehension that are central to being and directly accessible by subjective experience.
3 Vague, groundless speculation.

1: In a finite way. We can only understand so much of God. Why can we only understand so much of God. more on this later
2: Yes, agree, kinda. ugly implication, perhaps a better choice of words...
3: This sounds like it was added to appease some loud screaming minority... or majority, whatever the case may be.

I think the downside with the mystic path is it tends to suggest that we are governing our own experience.
This negates any need for admonishment or accountability, because your experience is subjective and thats what makes it so important to you.

I prefer the model of the Teacher & the student.

also a danger I would see in mysticism is if anything objective is discounted. a drifting down the thought line of everything is subjective and there can be no absolutes.

I guess in some ways we would seem positively mystical considering our belief in the power of the tongue, and in spiritual gifts and manifestations which would frighten the average conservative catholic... at least in theory.

(http://www.mgdehoop.waarbenjij.nu/) - Margriet

...creepy...

2006-05-15T19:19:00.000+10:00

what are Jeff Crabtree's initialls...

...creepy...

http://peter.neal.id.au/blog/31/musical-edification-or-musical-experience

....destroy everything you touch, today, destroy me, in this way...

2006-05-15T18:44:00.000+10:00

One hour.
And she may arrive
one hour
then i can go
one hour
seems so far
one hour
yet
one hour
ive been here a while
one hour
a long while
one hour
since 8.30 even
one hour
doesn't seem so far
one hour
its gotten dark
one hour

- - - - - - - - - -

I have moved beyond the wire, over the wire and far away.
rock bottom has been hit, beaten, and confiscated for further questioning.

Further And I Taste Heaven

funny.

Of course the whole point is that we are 100% relient on him.

am i?

is a newfound enjoyment of ladytron simply my escape so i can ignore the enroaching feelings of fear.

What is there to fear..

what can fear do to me?

Fear paralyses you
Fear deceives you
Fear shrinks you
Fear discourages you
Fear denies you
Fear decides for you
Fear destroys you

Love empowers you
Love encourages you
Love envigorates you
Love accepts you
Love fights for you
Love builds you
Love creates you
Love accentuates you
Love appreciates you
Love enjoys you
Love cares for you
Love sides with you
Love challenges you
Love esteems you
Love grows you

why pick fear?

Realism is a philosophy based on Reason and subjectivity.
Realism says that unless two people can agree on a perception of reality, then it is not real.

When do two people ever agree?

The young lady who believes against all odds that she will be married and have a baby within a year with no husband on the horizon. the young man who believes he has already met his future wife and is simply biding his time.

The pastor who can see a congregation of 10,000 even though at most only 1,000 turn up for most services.

Realism is the physical side of life, and sometimes we believe that to be all there is, but how can a poor man rise to wealth, unless he can see beyond the physical and dream of being that person he will become.

We can only rise as far as we believe we can.

belief is not a physical thing, belief defies the physical.

- - - - - - - - - -

D-O-T-K

editing...

2006-05-08T19:53:00.000+10:00

I find that I only ever post while processing video.

funny that.

Last night I opted to go to the prayer chapel and pray for 20 mins before the service.
Eventually a guy came up to me and prophesied over me about:

- Leaving the past behind. God has forgotten it & I need to ignore it and move on.
- God is going to do a new thing in my life.
- Fruit being formed.

There was something else along the lines of what I am trying to accomplish this year. All the short film projects...
I dont remember. that seems to be a thing with me and prophesy's, i forget stuff.

although God's grace will abound, and I think the important thing is to keep pressing into Him and allowing Him to remind me of the things He desires for me to do.

- - - - - - - - - -

I whizzed through my last assessment, life management. I am continually amazed at my ability with assessments this year.
i am able to start them before they are due and complete them in plenty of time. Its almost scary.
But i know that it is all because of God. It seems that some of our untapped potential gets released from satan's grasp when we start walking in line with what God is telling us.

- - - - - - - - - -

Phil talked about Prayer last night. the main thing I got out of it was that Prayer is what fills our power reserves.
the Christian life is not Hard... it is impossible. The only way we can acheive it is with the spirit and the way we do this is through prayer.

He also brought up fasting & how prayer and fasting also release power into your world. So i am thinking seriously about some prayer and fasting this week.

Someone just offered to loan me some money.
I'm thinking of taking it up.

We'll see what happens when i chat to Kerry tomorrow. I am still believing for that job, i have the faith 7 i am just hanging our to see it happen. God's timing requires us to rely on Him. Yah for God, and for the larger tests of faith that I am sure are around the corner. say for example this whole thing with that girl.

Hehe

J.

...i wonder what would happen if I...

2006-04-23T09:06:00.000+10:00

here's an experiment... text ppl telling them of an event you are organising...

see how many people actually text you back....

- - - - - - - - - -

conference is over. praise Jesus.
I awoke on Friday with a splitting headache/migraine, and opted not to go to work.

my pay from footprint had not arrived on friday and I was quietly stressing, but I had enough in my other account *coughs* to at least go grocery shopping.

and in the end the moolah turned up saturday morning. freaky. rent is now paid.

had another look at the car, and something appears to be wrong with the wiring to the car stereo. when the car was turned on I only got a reading of just over 5 volts out the the +12v wire. Today I go looking for a hayes manual so i can pull the car to bits.

more so.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sunday Adelaja talked last night at church. I was shooting camera #1.
He had three questions people might have based on the previous 4 sermons he had preached. Essentially he vindicated himself of any contextual errors people could make.

His thesis is essentially that we are built for the kingdom of God, and built to grow the kingdom of God, and the church is not the kingdom of God.
Therefore when we go to work, we do not work for money, we work to grow the kingdom. the money is merely compensation.
At the end of days we will be called to give an account of our stewardship (john bevere spoke on a similar topic, interesting) our stewardship is to grow the kingdom based on the things God has called us to do. Some are called into church ministry, some are called into the business world... et rata.

Sunday said that he tells businessmen that they're job is firstly to build the kingdom of God in their workplace, through changing attitudes & mindsets, secondly the monetary compensation received can be used to help build other ministries.

I feel that the point he was trying to make was that we are often still focused on money instead of the kingdom, although its less of a obvious focus and more of a faulty-mindset ie. I have this job to make money.

anyway if you missed it, you can stream the service (i think??) from the net, or else contact the Goldstore and church and buy it.

- - - - - - - - - -

*burp*

(for michelle)

J.

...they shall remember...

2006-04-19T20:24:00.000+10:00

Day Three

nearly over.
micah has been feeding us well today, proper gourmet sandwiches and wraps..

also Wes & i went on some amusement park ride that is setup on the church grounds.
unfortunately his weight headed in my direction, much fun to be had...
'
- - - - - - - - - -

the 'worship' has been sooo good during conference. micah & i were just talking about how the 'worship' can be better during conferences because the people who attend have paid to be there and genuinely want to worship.

I guess i'm just disappoined when worship seems dry and repetitive, although to be fair its all pretty good here.

in saying that... it is most likely that you're corporate worship experience can be dictated by how your personal worship is going.

- - - - - - - - - -

...this is either really bad for my back... or really good.

2006-04-18T20:32:00.000+10:00

second day of conference... over... well for me at least.

Micah asked if i wanted to cable pull for craig. my brain said yes but my body and body language said 'NO' kinda like a scream.
a point on my lower left leg just above my ankle started aching too. michelle tells me its all related... back... muscles et all.

still i looked at the clock and realised that I have been at church 12 hours today.
4 x 90 minute sessions and 1 x two hour session... which adds up to a big number i think.

im sure michelle, who is watching me type this entry, is looking down her nose... don't worry michelle, i will harden up... maybe...

she denies it vehemently of course...

of course all credit to her she does work hard...

part of me is looking forward to normal life, but then part of me is loving conference.. and I assume God wanted me here..
it certainly helps explain why my job at footprint books dried up the week before production & conference.
BUT BUT BUT B UT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL MY NEEDS ACCORDING TO HIS RICHES AND GLORY THROUGH CHRIST JESUS...

and as Phil preaches; God will bless us so that we can bless others.

i volunteered to help someone shift last weekend and they gave me $50 as appreciation. God Bless Them SO MUCH...

... and we are getting fed all week at conference for being volunteers...

also today we had the CCTV Faith Partners Afternoon Tea
essentially the volunteers got fed spiffy food...

all this is quite good because I think all i have at home is cereal, milk & eggs.... oh and coffee... there's always coffee..

Andrew's dog has returned/././ well not actually his dog, but the dog he borrows occasionally..

this dog is a staffy-lab cross. and the ---- got pregnant to a blue cattle dog.. and roughly 6 weeks??? ago gave birth to 10 puppies which are right at this moment pooping and urinating all over our deck... BUT NOT MY clothes on the washing line please God.

they also stink something chronic at the moment...

speaking of stinking something chronic....

...

i am currently wasting precious time on the G5 with a 30" screen, blogging...
when i could be changing the world... or video editing...

hehe

i love being me...

praise Jesus..

J.

...and there shall be silence

2006-04-17T19:41:00.000+10:00

Monday...

roughly 7:41 pm

First day of Presence/Phenomena ... or as muzza says 'Phesence'

Spent the morning helping set up Goldstore.

--- Michelle says hi ---

Goldstore setup.

on the bonus side i got paid for that.... God rules.

did two services with wes on camera 1. second service got to actually do camera, learnt a lot, screwed up a lot.
generally tired but happy that conference has started, was hanging out for it.

I will be starting a second blog shortly to uncover the depths of the Metal scene from a christian perspective, it will not be definitive and it will not be concise. However it do more to describe where I am as a person musically.
on that note it will probably include all of my musical leanings...

...also a third blog containing film related blogging.

i figure, go hard, or go get pizza... and dammit I am sick of being that 'go get pizza' guy i mean come on other people can get fricken pizza, and I...I...I

get a little crazy sometimes..

c'est la vie

peace

out-side

J.

....this day is a new day... all i ever wanted...

2006-04-16T14:27:00.000+10:00

For reasons unknown I have been convinced to blog again, something to fill in the time...

what friggin time...

theres some proverbs about giving things you want done to a busy person.

[and I dislike all the stupid fonts here ...]
[ ]
[grumble... ]

so yeah, expect me to do profile-ly things whenever I have time...

to summise though I am a spirit filled committed christian who likes equal measure of heavy metal, power pop, & experimental music...

also i'ma film-maker.

peace

out-side

J.