nothing, nothing at all...

and when you look into my eyes... you see... NOTHING...

---

sometimes i start writing and i discover that what i've written is to close to "what actually happened"

i hereby declare not to ever write 'what happened'
I hereby declare that I will write the truth. but never what happened.

---

Wake up. she's next to me.

---

Wake up. she's still here. Who is she. what is this gentle creature whose scent devours me.
Whose very breath fills my soul. Others accuse me of having sort her out, of fighting, of battling.
I disagree; for this divine fortune has in fact found me and gifted me with herself.

Who am I to deserve such favor, such blessing. For I have nothing to give, and nothing within me worthy of such a calling.

Stop. Get up. Leave the bedroom. Downstairs. Coffee is waiting. Clouds swirling. Thoughts of...

a dream. A mighty ship courses through the waves. I am not its captain, but i am close. Second in command; i stand holding the wheel. He is asleep. A man stands beside me watching, learning. perhaps I should be in command, i sense the power drawing me. I can run this ship, i can take command, he is fast asleep and I am running things now. It wouldn't take much...take this officer behind me..pillow over his face..hold it down... We haven't eaten in days, it will look like he just died... clutching at the wheel...palms are sweaty, just let go, just make the decision.... just...
rain beating across my face. teeth clenched... i wake up. she's next to me...