timelessness...

every feeling that i felt has slipped from my grasp
especially when i threaten to pass it on non-verbally.


i want to get really angry... but why do that when i could just stop caring... seems easier

i want to get really hurt... as if that will show anybody anything... seems pointless

i want to know which direction i should be facing.
whom i should share the path with.

i feel undecided..

i feel like i need more information while one direction is looking more and more cosy.

cosy maybe, but also lit up with darkness.

yet it also seems to be the narrow road.

your confidence is so appealing yet it seems to be your greatest weakness for it hides away the tender you who fights to fall asleep and pulls the covers closer and leaves on a little light.

between telling her what she needs to hear to remembering that they all do.

questions that i cannot ask nor answer.

-

perhaps i aggravate to pull out the passion. the fire that burns so deeply within you..
watch your eyes light up in anger as you prepare a mighty onslaught for i have touched upon a little part that rages inside your mind and tosses you back and fro and forces you to hide in him to find a truth you can relate to.

never mind.

and all that shall be...

have i really fallen or is this another excuse for laziness...


- - -



the image staring back comforts/confronts and leaves behind a spiry whisp of what could be.

to hide beneath the sweetest dream or to face the darkness that has been.

- - -

my eyes light up, a world on fire.

she beckons on and pulls me close.

i wave to all those I have left

and filter through the ones that came


did you come along or did we simply meet for a while.
is anybody with me?
is there a closeness so obscene I have missed it's beckoning glare.
there is no why and here is no down.

i am prompted to raise my sword and lift my voice and break through all that stands so tall
but there is a treason at sea. there is a spineless tingling that evokes a memory so repulsive
I can't find the words; must be denial for it were not my thoughts or feelings t'was simply an image forced into my lowly soul for per chance I played too close to the flame and suffered the transgressions that became the only reason for my shame.

but shame is not what tis to be, for shame itself has missed the point and bargained with chips it cannot divulge. and I am left wanting more; but what of? and fighting myself; for evermore.

is it me?

- - -

the solid face staring back and lifting me up from the mire.

- - -

have i even actually turned back yet, or am I still cast down to the side waiting for the passion to light up again, waiting for the worms to come.

maybe next time i will fan the flames and build the boat or is this the continuation of even more suffering of ups and downs and rounds and rounds...

- - -

she is fair and has taught me much for i suspect there may be nothing more; my consistency to hold up not myself or her or even us. But I am to walk alongside for a while until her hand restores my sight and even then to find my falling away a temporal cure to this ailing disease.

i am not sure what I miss anymore, I am not sure what is what anymore.

3 times she and me have walked along the path and discussed the many passing fancies, and frolicked in the flowers, but all shall end eventually and I shall find my castle ever-ready ever-waiting and littered with persons at this time unknown but then to become my sanity.

don't cry-this sadness comes but once in a while and we lift ourselves up and we are carried into the next realm.

piece of mind.

...GET ME OUT...

in desperation he turns and hacks away at the forest.

something burns within him, like a fear, but perhaps more like a purpose.

he remembers the light, how it felt, how it was.
it drags him on, reminding him, torturing him with the prize.
But now is not the end.

- - -

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be...

- - -

caught in the crossfire, of my hurts and her lies.
in the haze I am consumed by things i cannot see
behind me stands something i cannot remember
and the truth that wants to break out of me.

- - -

thick green branches
deep red welts
dark black patches
tender white lights

- - -

i must express this all and i must tell the truth and I must get it all out and be a good boy and not do things that i should not, but i stand there and look at you and all my senses are consumed and my brain melts and all within me wants to hold on to you forever.

how fair is the decision anyway when you're blinded by an emotion.

do we become more sensible and more plain, do we take less risks.

do we die a little on the inside each day.

if you were me and i was you, would you do it any different.
Would you still hold back, afraid of what will happen, afraid to leap.

is it a fear to leap/// what are these boundaries anyway.

what is healthy what is not. Maybe i just want intimacy... human condition...
what the fuck does this all mean anyway and why can't i just get on with anything.

it all struggles and gets back to things i can't explain or talk about...

what would i've become
what would i have done
where would i be...

where am i

who are you

what is going on.

What do normal people do on a saturday

Do you rest?
Do you play?
Do you sit and watch the world go away?

I know people who work, go to the beach.
sit and home and read.

some sit and wait dreading the work that is to come.

Theres something comforting about being able to get out of bed and go straight to work.

huge paradigm shift to get out of bed aimlessly, heading roughly in the direction of being require at work in 6 hours.

the whole day then feels like a bizarre countdown to the inevitable.

- - -

we seek your face and trust your name, that all will see...

- - -

theres a bit of rain outside. Its comforting i guess.
but then you sit down, alone, gazing out the window and wondering if theres something better. because when no one is around its easier to focus on work, but if you lose that focus, there is no one to catch you....

...or though i guess there is.

- - -

sick of blaming others for his mistakes...

- - -

sick of not knowing how or where or why...

- - -

sick of living half-alive, half-dead, half-assed

- - -

sick of aimlessly pursuing something out of sheer bloodimindedness.

- - -

sick of looking at A and looking at B.

- - -

sick of not knowing where to go and turn

- - -

sick of endless discussions on nothing of any value

- - -

sick of fighting and bitching and complaining

- - -

sick of my desires

- - -

sick of being poor

- - -

sick of being alone

- - -

sick of depressing music when i'm sad

- - -

sick of happy music when i'm feeling great

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of not knowing

- - -

sick of things i do to myself

- - -

sick of things i do to others

- - -

sick of christian platitudes when i just need some affection

- - -

sick of hugs when i need a rod or staff

- - -

sick of trying to be something else

- - -

sick of trying to figure out who I am

- - -

sick of being second guessed

- - -

sick of never having the upper hand

- - -

sick of things i should have said

- - -

sick of not knowing why

- - -

why do i ignore you when you're all i live for.
why do i forget you when you are the strength that holds me up
why do i not speak to you when you're the reason for it all.

- - -

we seek your face and trust your name that all will see our God reigns...